The Mind of Tefft » Funny

Have you ever been this tired?

Michael Tefft — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 14:16:21 +0000

The Worst Car Review In History

Michael Tefft — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 03:01:32 +0000

Honda makes a lot of good cars but, according to Jeremy Clarkson of The Times of London, the Honda Insight hybrid is not one of them.

“It’s terrible. Biblically terrible. Possibly the worst new car money can buy. It’s the first car I’ve ever considered crashing into a tree, on purpose, so I didn’t have to drive it anymore…[it] makes a noise worse than someone else’s crying baby on an airliner. It’s worse than the sound of your parachute failing to open. Really, to get an idea of how awful it is, you’d have to sit a dog on a ham slicer.”

“So you’re sitting there with the engine screaming its head off, and your ears bleeding, and you’re doing only 23 mph because that’s about the top speed… [it] feels as if it’s been made from steel so thin, you could read through it. And the seats … are designed specifically, it seems, to ruin your skeleton… the idiotic dashboard, which shows leaves growing on a tree when you ease off the throttle … built our of rice paper … poor ride, the woeful performance, the awful noise and the spine-bending seats.”

“Acceleration 0-62 mph: 12.5 seconds. One star (out of five) … Good only for parting the smug from their money.”

- From ‘Arguing with Idiots’, by Glenn Beck

Proctologists decide to leave health care decision to assholes in Washington.

Michael Tefft — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 14:06:30 +0000

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter….”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

{from an email my brother sent me.}

Top 12 indicators that the economy is bad

Michael Tefft — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 01:36:03 +0000

12. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster-oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hot Wheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses – GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM to discuss the stimulus package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children’s names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

3. Motel Six won’t leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my favorite indicator of all…

1. If the bank returns your check marked as “insufficient funds,” you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The Next Supreme Court Justice

Michael Tefft — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 13:19:48 +0000

Obama as a “post turtle.”

Michael Tefft — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 16:41:50 +0000

I found this on the Patriot Freedom web site and just had to reprint it here.

A doctor struck up a conversation with a hard-working 75 year old rancher while suturing a mean cut on the old man’s leathery hand. Eventually the topic got around to Obama. The old rancher said, “Well, you know, Obama is a ‘post turtle.’” Unfamiliar with the term, the doctor asked him what he meant. The old rancher replied, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle.’”The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued: “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, and he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just wonder what kind of complete moron put him up there to begin with.”

Why Is This Man Laughing?

Michael Tefft — Thu, 14 May 2009 13:59:50 +0000

Obama. Change we can believe in?

Michael Tefft — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 15:12:17 +0000

If this is the kind of change Obama was talking about during the campaign, I don’t think our country can survive much more of it.

O.B.A.M.A

Michael Tefft — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 14:07:25 +0000

Horses Asses Controlling Everything

Michael Tefft — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 20:15:56 +0000

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England ,and English expatriates built the US railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used. Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/Process and wonder ‘What horse’s ass came up with it?’ you may be exactly right.
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses’ asses.) Now, the twist to the story: When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB’s. The SRB’s are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah .The engineers who designed the SRB’s would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB’s had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB’s had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass. And you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important? Ancient horse’s asses control almost everything…
and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

(As told to me by my brother Chris. Sorry for the weird formatting. Cut & paste from his email.)